— Let the conversation begin with the causes of conflicts which push people to join the “miniature war”?
— The basis of any conflict — escalation and conflict any conflict. In psychology, conflict is defined as the lack of agreement between two or more parties — individuals or groups.
Causes of conflict are many and varied. They can be caused by a difference of opinion, interests, views, pretensions, and many other social, moral and other aspects. Almost always psychological conflicts cause conflicting people are very emotional issues and even stress. No wonder conversations about conflicts use the word “broke”. After all, any conflict, like fire, is growing rapidly and such a conflict is already very difficult “to extinguish”. Therefore, the cause of the conflict generated can be metaphorically likened to a lighter.
I’ve all seen this simple device and imagine how it works. Rough handling with the silicon gas may cause a fire in the apartment. If more developing the metaphor of the conflict, the silicon lighters can be likened to pride and emotions – gas.
Clash of pride of one man with another pride, one pride with the other, overflowing emotions to one side with the same flood of emotions on the other, inevitably leads to the ignition of the conflict. Very often, we in your own home fueled the fire of conflict, which is fueled by emotions, and thereby harm our family, loved one’s relations, and inflict significant damage or burn to the ground.
If I didn’t say pride, would create the first spark. Usually, however, both disputants believe that they understand the situation better and can prove the other their opinion. However, they face the same decisiveness from the opposite side. Not coincided with opinions, evaluations, purposes, not satisfied with the results, or something else — and here comes the spark of the conflict. When mismatched to the opinions and arguments of the parties added emotions that we compared with gas, the flames of the conflict starts to flare up. The more emotions, the stronger burns the flame. If the dispute is not added the emotional component, the reasons for conflict would not exist. But it is almost always because the parties begin to present to each other new complaints and old grievances.
— Let’s dig into the first spark from which the conflict erupted. You said that the main cause of any psychological conflict is pride. Please explain how pride leads to conflict situation?
— Unwavering confidence in the correctness of his opinions based on his own experience gives us a sense of intellectual, moral or any other superiority over the interlocutor. We often fail the inability or unwillingness to overcome his ego. Protecting and defending your position at the same time we strive to argue with us, people certainly took the “think better” and abandoning his own. But the same speculation move and our opponent. Nobody wants to lose their positions because of conflicting people argue, prove, and shouting their arrogant pride.
Strutting and starting a conflict (perhaps even unconsciously), the person believes that it is entitled to impose its own “right” opinion. If the dispute was not sure that the other is familiar with the subject matter of the dispute better, he would not have entered into the dispute. It is logical: if I don’t know much about some area of knowledge, I’m not going to argue with a scientist who perfectly understands. I just don’t want to look stupid and will not go to dispute in advance in anticipation of his defeat. But when I believe that they are an opponent on the same level, or even higher, I begin to develop the discussion and will insist on their point of view, despite the fact that the dispute will gradually move in the conflict. So we, for lack of humility and lack of understanding of our nature, getting into a dispute. We feel much better, much smarter, more experienced and more knowledgeable of his companion. So we want it our way! But the other person is also sure that his view is the only correct one. And here is the beginning of the conflict is inevitable: both parties are trying to prove to each other the correctness of their judgments. The result is a dispute, it is strife and conflict.
Sometimes we are so addicted to their own diatribe that do not hear and see the person to whom is addressed our words. We seek any way to prove his innocence, to defend their position and achieve their goal sometimes not even wanting to hear the arguments of the interlocutor. Why to listen and to hear, if in advance a hundred percent sure that he is wrong, absolutely wrong, and your direct duty is it to convince? You probably at least once been faced with monologues, which are spoken simultaneously by both parties, but neither of them listens to the other. Debaters resemble two radios that broadcast on the wave, with little concern about that at this time “pass” for another radio station.
Therefore, it is important to note that conflict resolution requires dialogue! A wife could pronounce a tirade to her husband and to make him, for example, go wash the dishes. But in their conversation, there was no room for dialogue and develop joint solution. Instead, there was the usual pressure that led to some short-term results. With confidence we can say that the situation again, and my wife would have to tackle this problem.
In the conflict, it is important to listen to the interlocutor. And this is possible only when the emotional background is not beyond moderate. Excessive pride, the inability to respect the opinions of others, to listen and possibly change their beliefs, leading to prolonged and intractable conflicts.
— Some psychologists believe that emotional outburst, even leading to conflict, it is still beneficial to relationships, and even brings in the end… what do you think?
— Indeed, some psychologists suggest to refer to “the theory of controlled conflict” and suggests that conflicts allow people to “let off steam”, to find out the relationship and understand the feelings. On this basis, they argue that the conflict has a certain practical significance.
In my opinion, the choice of method for that purpose looks too extreme. Test your and other people’s feelings and to understand them with the help of the conflict is still that breed in the apartment fire to check linoleum on the heat resistance. But to go into conflict, so way to release your own negative emotions, just not love and respect your partner or companion. It is inhumane and selfish. And those psychologists who write about the need conflicts in our lives are deeply mistaken.
The fact that the conflict can never lead to a positive long-term result. Remember the conflict which witnesses were you or those in which they themselves participated. Whether the parties to the conflict from them some kind of tangible, life-changing benefits? Whether at least one of these conflicts to positive long-term result? Hardly. The interim result of the conflict, of course, can lead. But it cannot have the effect of a long-term positive result. And all because of any, even slight, conflict breeds mistrust, anger, resentment and other negative feelings.
Conflicts, for the most part, not only not able to resolve or improve the situation, but it is much worse. They ruin relationships, take away health, consume a lot of time and sometimes lead people to suicide. Mutual accusations and insults between spouses, colleagues, classmates or the family – these are common in a society of strife and discord – maim people on a moral and physical level. Confusion, depression, depression – this is not a complete list of the effects of the protracted conflict.
— Are there any ways that help prevent conflict or to resolve the conflict if it has already begun?
— There is a simple and good tool to suppress the conflict at an early stage – a kind smile, which is sometimes called “disarming”. Unlike scream, kind, open smile deprives the second party of the dispute the possibility of further attack. Indeed, when a person is open to communication and treats you kindly, very difficult experience to his aggression.
Another important element is to learn to give in. One of the most negative qualities, which often exhibit the disputing parties, psychologists call “rigidity”, i.e. the inflexibility of the position. Rigidity always leads to bad consequences and not only in relationships. You can draw an analogy with flexibility in nature. As you know, a strong wind breaks the old thick trees and a thin mountain ash, for example, which is not so big and strong, to break can not. And all because of that tree leaning to the ground due to its flexibility.
This example can be explained as a way of resolving the conflict that has already erupted: it is necessary to develop a flexible position in relation to each other. If you don’t want to ignite a war conflict, there is no need to argue and insist on their right to all means to convince his interlocutor. Better to compromise, to look for ways to get closer to develop a common opinion.
In addition, it’s safe to say this is an attempt to understand the other side, even if it’s almost impossible, contributes to the resolution of the conflict. Learning to compromise and to seek reconciliation is not surrender or weakness, but the wise strategy of good will. It is appropriate here to quote from “Letters to young readers,” written by the Russian scientist and thinker D. Likhachev:
“If you debate politely and quietly, without arrogance, that thereby you provide yourself a quiet retreat with dignity.
Remember: there is nothing more beautiful in the dispute as quietly, if necessary, to admit of a full or partial right of the enemy. This way you will win the respect of others. You’re calling for concessions and his opponent, forcing him to soften the extremes of its position.
Of course, to admit the truth of the enemy only when it comes to not your beliefs, not your own moral principles (they should always be the highest).
A person should not be a weathercock, should not give the opponent only to please him, or, God forbid, cowardice, career reasons, etc.
But to concede with dignity to matter, which doesn’t force you to abandon their common belief (hope high), or to take advantage of their victory, not gloating over the vanquished in the dispute, not triumphant, not insulting the ego of the opponent — how beautiful!”
— What else you need to remember, being in a conflict situation?
— In fact, the ground for conflict is our accumulated or spontaneous negative feelings and emotions, which we give will. Needless to say, that person a reasonable and educated their emotions should be controlled? Because when negative emotions are unleashed, they begin to destroy our relationship. Such feelings should learn to disable and disputes to be guided solely by their reason. As I said, the feelings of the dispute is the gas that fuels its flame. And if I was in an argument to prove their position is required by common sense.
Sometimes situation drives the arguing people in such “emotional angle” when them ceases to be valuable and important is the subject of the dispute – he fades into the background, and the foreground becomes passionately desired and needed only the fact of the obsession of victory over their enemy.
and methods, this argument is looking more like a massacre, in which each side is ready “to stand to the last and fight until the end.” You can say that in such a situation, in the end, no concrete results will not be achieved. Each of the disputings regardless of whether he won or lost, I will remain unconvinced. No consensus, but broken relationships.
Usually, conflicts arise spontaneously. But sometimes people provoke them deliberately to achieve this way of their goals. What do you think, is it possible to “play the conflict scenario” to achieve a particular result?
— The fact is that the conflict, in contrast to the civilized, calm and reasonable dispute is a war of passion, not of minds. And about any impact in this situation is to not speak.
When the conflict is planned, both sides need to understand what purpose they serve, through its escalation. Ultimately they want to?
If you want confessions, decide what you will do with them. Are you ready to know the truth, and are you confident that will be able to accept it? If you want the person to change its behavior – is another matter. If you just want to demonstrate its dominance and prove who is the boss – this is the third question.
But in any situation, it is necessary to properly evaluate and assess their own resources. Is it possible to achieve a conflict the results that you hope to obtain? In most cases, he who looks carefully, the person will likely come to the conclusion that it was up to them the conflict will not help to achieve the desired result.
— But sometimes it is simply imperative to understand the relationships, throw out all their grievances and claims to be free from their oppression. How can one do without clarifying, who is to blame?
— If you believe right and want to achieve any result, you can discuss the troubling situation, “a cool head and a sober mind.” Just to discuss, not to bring down the shouting on the other mountains of its exposures and claims. No peace dialogue will not work if the dispute prevalent emotions. Emotional behavior, characterized by shouting, threats, expression of complaints, stamping feet and waving hands, represent a force that, having exhausted all the arguments. Such behavior betrays the weakness of man and, in fact, solves nothing. Usually, the one who knows what he wants and I am sure that can convincingly prove his innocence, threaten violence will not be in a fight not climb.
No one has ever seen chess players revealed the strongest, each other on the head with boards. If the goal is to determine the chess champion, you must play by the rules. But if the goal is to identify physical training and the right to be called champion Boxing, you don’t have to sit at the chessboard.
Similarly, in conflict: if you want to resolve the situation, it is not necessary to use force methods and use the techniques of other games. You should not think about purpose. If you just want to understand who is the boss in the house, identify the “leader” in other ways.
The more emotion the person shows in the quality of the arguments, the more obvious it becomes wrong. The one who is making concessions shows strength.
Krylov is a wonderful story about the elephant and the pug. From school, we remember pour barking pug and an elephant. One of them was stronger? After all, the elephant continued on his way and refused to join the fray with a pug, not because he was weaker.
Remaining calm, such a person shows weakness and his strength advantage over an opponent. He makes it clear to others that control the situation. If subjected to such an attack, the man behaved differently and rushed on the offender with fists or shouted obscenities, he would have proved his own weakness and made himself a laughing stock…
What usually occurs in our everyday disputes? As a rule, is not the case: we say the word, we two, we two, we three. And here comes the escalation of the conflict: two people trying to figure out who of them is stronger. And none of them realize that the power over those who are inferior.
If you realize that the person is angry and full of emotions, it is not necessary to begin your showdown with him. You will only aggravate his condition and spur his anger. Fighting with pots and ladles, with loud cries and mutual insults, to the extraction of long-forgotten past, has lost its relevance offense, is not a prudent way to showdown. And I repeat: not, a human who believes that through conflict we solve the problem. We cannot with one hand to build and another to destroy. And somehow their enemies sometimes believe the most expensive people.
But conflict can develop exactly as you want it. And plays a big role is your attitude to the other side. If you perceive the interlocutor as an enemy, there is no doubt that it will behave hostilely in relation to you. And if you do not appear to see the opposite side of the conflict your friend or loved one, he is likely to behave exactly according to this desired scenario. Drawing in his mind the image of a sparring partner, we make real his behavior. Do not forget about it!
— Could you give readers some practical advice for resolving conflict situations?
In my practice, I offer the conflicting individuals to Express all their claims to each other on paper and in the same way to answer them. A prerequisite of such communication is compliance with the specificity and clarity put forward your claim. Redefine discuss issues on the level of “fool” is not constructive criticism, and, of course, to no good results may not lead. The background should be as less emotional. Your message should resemble dry, formal reports, which set out impartially the issue.
This technique allows spouses to Express their thoughts, not adding emotions because they are quite difficult to adequately Express on paper. And therefore, the sheet remains primarily only serious justification and reasonable arguments. And the writing becomes more visible and the essence of his own claims, and the problem that during a heated debate distorted by the flood of emotions and perceived through the prism of their own feelings.
Such formalism written resolution of the dispute might not decorate the family, however, allows you to maintain relationships and to understand the situation. Many times I have seen proof of the effectiveness of this technique.
— What are the more General provisions can be defined for the exit of hot conflict?
— Sometimes, before you start to show a partner some accounts and claims, it is enough to remember your own sins and shortcomings. Put yourself in the shoes of your opponent, which you are trying to expose. Haven’t you ever been in a similar situation, did not show similar qualities or feelings did not commit similar actions?
If you learn to soberly and objectively evaluate itself and, as in a mirror, learn to find and see in behavior conflicting with you man reflected, you probably will start to treat this man with great understanding. There is a saying: “the Patient understands the patient better.” This expression is psychologically reasonable and has a base because each of us “is in their system dimension.” Healthy people for a number of reasons the human patient understands and feels bad while ailing himself better able to understand and empathize.
We often because of his pride and partiality refuse to accept their own imperfection. If into conflict, I realize that once he committed similar errors were also not up to par, showing weakness or stupidity, I will be able to take in this conflict over the correct position. In this debate, I and my opponent will understand that we are both imperfect and feel equal.